The Worst Developer Job (Boston)
Job Responsibilities for a horrible Web Developer Job at a company you will HATE:
-Achieve 100% code accuracy in all 300+ required programming languages. If 99% accurate, termination.
-Argue with all product development teams in an aggressive manor wherever possible for optimal productivity.
-Conduct design and code reviews. If a bug is found, termination.
-Maintain a low awareness of industry issues and trends, particularly in regard to web technologies. (If you are looking into latest trends you are wasting company time, termination)
-Provide technical leadership and make fun of on ALL new developers as they are on-boarded.
-Give 100% accurate time estimates.
-Contribute to documentation and arguments amongst co-workers where required .
-If you share how to identify and implement ways to improve how we build software in any way, termination.
-A-holes are promoted within the first 6 months.
-12+ years experience designing and developing highly scalable web apps on the Microsoft platform
-Passionate about having a hatred towards co-workers, wants to stay hands-on, enjoys coding in dark (locked) closets, enjoys being chained to their desk. (recommended)
-Able to organize and clarify complex business fights in the office.
-Familiar with Agile development processes.
-Able to work in an Hierarchical company where nobody gives a S*#! about your opinion.
-Self-motivated and willing to work all weekends and holidays.
Benefits (If asked about any of these, termination)
-Competitive salary (If you are not an expert programmer, you will not get paid)
-No time off. Even if sick. If sick, termination.
-$1,000 bonus if you never talk in the office
-Grade D Health and dental insurance
-No group life, short-term, and long-term disability insurance
-Opportunity to work in a small, high stress, impossible to grow startup environment
-Ping-pong and foosball tables for superior hand-eye coordination. If you give into temptation and play these game in the office, termination.
-Paid in Trident Layers. (used)
- $25,000 Base Salary. Pay increase after 8 years.
If you want to find a tech job that doesn’t suck, apply on …